Miss T's Mystery House of Yarn & Horrors

An Important Message from Dr. Evil

“Have you voted yet?  It’s really, really, important that you go out and vote.  You can have a snack if you do.  Be careful, though.  That Palin lady is a wackjob and she’s mean to polar bears.  I love polar bears, and anybody who’s mean to polar bears probably hates little white dogs, too.  I’d like to bite that Palin lady.  I’d like to bite anybody who votes for her.  So please be kind to bears and little dogs when you vote.  Because you’re going to vote, right?  I wish I could vote.  You’re so lucky.  Can I have a treat now?”

The Mystery of Knitting...Revealed!

Shh!  This is the Master Engineer writing.  Miss T is away from her computer, unknitting a mistake in some lace, and while I can, I’m going to clue you in on what I’ve discovered.  I only have a few moments, so read fast.  I am not part of the secret cabal, but I have discovered your secret.  Yes, I have discovered the Secret of Knitting!  Knitters want you to believe that scarves, socks and sweaters emerged from tireless weeks of precision effort. However, I have uncovered the Dark Secret of how knitting really happens.

After watching my wife endlessly tap sticks together in a bizarre ritual, I began to wonder how this could possibly produce items of woolen wear:

    "#$%*@!  I have dropped a stitch!  I'm going to have take out three days work!"
    "*&^%#%@!  How did that happen?!  I have to rip back to yesterday!"
    "*&*^&%$#!@!  Where did I drop the &*^^%$#!  stitch?!  Arrrgghh!"

And yet, two days later, a sock emerges!  How can this be?  Most of the knitting was ripping out stitches, not putting them in.  I now realize that Dark Magic is involved. Each of those profane utterances is not an admission of error, but an invocation of Dark Magic that causes knitted goods to spontaneously appear.  As with all such things, there are levels to be obtained, and the more one is willing to sacrifice, the greater the Dark Rewards:

Initiate:  "&*^&%%@!  Dropped stitch!"  Invokes one sock.

Acolyte:   "$%#%&@!  I can't find where I dropped the &&%#%! stitch!"  Invokes a short scarf or wrap.

Dark Magician:  "(&*$%*@!  My gauge swatch must have been off!  I'm going to be short!"  Invokes one sock, plus the spontaenous appearance of one new skein of $40 yarn.

Elder Priest: "^*%&^%@! I can't believe I have dropped a stich, AND the &%&^%! lifeline was put in wrong!"  Invokes one full-length scarf.

High Elder Priest:  "*%^&^#!  There are so many splices in this ^&*^$%@! yarn, I'm going to *%%&@!  %&&$%^%!  the *&^%&@#@ company!"  Invokes one complete sweater, but in a different color and yarn than the one which was started.

So, if these are my last words, know that I Was Right and the hidden agents of the Knitting Illuminati have dispatched me!